The letter

Well good Monday morning! Thought I would take a few moments of my day to clear my mind (and heart) of some heaviness.

Yesterday I received an email from Dad. He is always well-intended, but his letters always attack my character in some way. It is a wonder I have any self-esteem, at all. Finally, my collegiate track is right on target with the hopes he has for me. Dad made a compliment sandwich out of my pursuit of a PhD. He's finally proud of my accomplishments and said so in the beginning and the end of the letter. WOW...

On to the meat of the letter...I lack style. My 'package' does not adequately represent the unique and qualified person I am. Dad went as far as to say that I look like an unmade bed. I was critiqued for my wild hair (which I have heard my entire life), my weight (again, I have heard this my entire life), my choice in clothing, and my inability to help shape the lives of those closest to me (Eve and Chris' weight and lack of motivation). Dad vacillated between my looking like an unmade bed, a 1960's hippie, and a 65 year old woman in a sack dress. That's encouraging - don't ya think?

I agree that I could make changes to my appearance that make me look younger, more professional, less quirky, but what do those changes mean. Nothing, really. I like my crazy wild hair and it has taken a very long time for me to learn how to care for it properly. It's frizzy, huge, and getting grayer as I write. A short hairstyle doesn't make me feel pretty, and a medium hair cut is way too much work. Long is easy. I get out of the shower, pull out the tangles, add some mousse and I am ready to go. If I need to look more professional, a nice updo is all that's necessary.

As for my clothing, well...I have what I can afford to have. I own many beautiful pieces, but a lot of my clothes are comfortable and what I need for sitting at my desk researching and writing papers. Case in point...right now I am in my jammy bottoms and a t-shirt, but at lunch bunch on Saturday I was wearing a simple white, collared, shirt under a simple cable knit Ralph Lauren sweater. I had on Ralph Lauren jeans and white tennies. My hair was clean and down. My makeup was minimal, but it was there (I don't wear mascara because it really bothers my dry eye syndrome). I had my small Dooney and Bourke purse with me. Now, how is that an unmade bed? Everything was cleaned, pressed, and fit together nicely. I also had on a beautiful pair of earrings that Tricha bought for me a few Christmas' ago, and one, small, diamond and sapphire pinky ring. Hmmmmm....Not sure what I could have done differently other than to have dressed to the nines and looked ready for a meeting instead of a family gathering at a local restaurant.

I hate how this makes me feel. Oh, intellectually, I realize that I am okay and I look appropriate in any setting, but geez....when you're Daddy thinks you look ugly or unkempt, it's hard to get past the feeling. I AM overweight. I don't try hard enough to get the weight off, either. I could exercise like a mad woman, cut out anything that isn't low calorie, and get to a gym everyday (but without the money for dues, I am stuck with my own work-out program). I could get more modern clothing (here again, without the funds to shop for new clothing, I am stuck trying to modernize the clothing I own). I could be more demanding of Eve and Chris, but why...they are comfortable with who they are, and THAT is what I love most about them.

All in all, I will make some changes to my appearance as I become more enmeshed in the professional world, but for right now...I do what I can with what I have. Thanks for letting me rant and rave.