The last day and a half have been very painful for me. I must look at the situation as a wake up call, and a reminder about how far I have come in my life. There have been times when I forget, when I choose to overlook the accomplishments, and when I measure what I have on what I think I deserve.
Unfortunately, Christopher decided the best place to air his anger and spew his venom is on a public forum - FaceBook. Chris decided it was his right to post about my prison interment and his loss of a mother for all those years right there on his page for the whole world to see. I am not worried about his friends, or my friends and family...I am livid that now, my co-workers, and colleagues in school, and friends who do not know about my past have opportunity to judge me based on a past they know nothing about.
Still, as angry as I am...I did what I did...I did spend 8 years in prison...I did leave my child (not to fend for himself, though - he was left with someone I trusted and cared for). It was not Chris' right to post that, but neither was it his choice those many years ago.
Here's the thing...rather than be proud of how far he and I have come since that time; rather than cherish the relationship we have been able to build in the 8 years since I have been home; rather than appreciate that he had a wife who loved me anyway...came to visit me in prison...let me care for the kids; rather than be thankful that I kept my life on hold, tied up our money, and risked everything to ensure his well-being all the years; Chris decides to wallow in the loss of his adolescence.
When I came home from prison, we worked through the time-line as though nothing had changed. Chris acted 14 - I treated him like he was 14. He got video games, and a place to stay...he got my full attention (even when that attention was a disservice to Eve), Chris got my advice, my chastisement, my support, and my undying devotion as a good mother. Our relationship mimicked that of a kid growing up and mother learning to accept her child's independence. It was a hard row to hoe, but I thought we had done it.
I know how angry my son is - and has a right to be. I have begged him to yell, scream, tell me how much he hated me for leaving. I have begged him to see a counselor. Nope...he's not ready. When he split from Kristi, I think he lost himself and the image of family. Every step has been in the direction of replacing what he threw away.
The most difficult part of this rift is the knowing that it is the final step for his adulthood. For some, the baby goes away to college, for others they simply watch their child walk down the aisle to a new and separate life...for me and Chris this is the necessary step for him to experience what it is to CHOOSE to leave home and live it on his own terms. I can accept that. I may not like how it feels, but at least, I can recognize it for what it is.
As for how he has treated Eve, as for "outing" me on FaceBook...Eve says she will never forgive him. I know she will. She has been a part of his life since he was 18 years old - he's almost 31 now. It will be a long time, though - I know that.
I sit here and think about how much this is part of the plan, but I cannot stop the tears streaming down my cheeks and the hole in my heart that hurts so bad, I am unsure of where to put the pain. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But, this too, shall pass...it always does.
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