So..I said I would keep you posted in the Thanksgiving festivities around our home.
First, Christopher still hasn't spoken one word to me. In addition, He and/or Amy tried to pull a fast one with their one remaining line of cell phone service. Eve and I would have missed it if they hadn't screwed themselves in the process. Apparently one of them logged into Tmobile using the administrator account (probably Eve's since I changed my password the day of the trouble a month ago) and changed the administrator permission for Amy's phone number. Then, they changed the minutes allowed to unlimited (which is an additional fee of 20.00 per month). When this was done, Tmobile offered a limit on FREE minutes to 1000. They chose the option (Didn't really understand what they were doing). So....On Friday evening, Amy's phone stopped allowing phone calls. She texted and begged me to turn the phone back on; unsuspend Chris' line; or give her more minutes. Eve and I checked her minute usage and she still had 123 left (they are only allowed 500 minutes per month). To make this long story short...while at the theater on Sunday, Amy sent another text asking me to PLEASE turn her phone back on...I had had enough and called Tmobile to find out why Amy's phone wasn't working. That's when we find out about what they did and how they shot themselves in the foot. Because they chose the option to limit FREE calls to 1000, all the weekend calls are free, and her phone wouldn't permit calls once she reached that amount of minutes. I think it's hilarious!!!!! So, I let them know that I found out what they did...fixed the problem with Tmobile and will suffer no additional costs...and told Amy that she has until January 1 to get her own phone...we're turning off the phone that date with no exceptions. So...we won't be seeing the kids for Thanksgiving.
I sent the letter my Dad asked me to send to my Mother in regard to her accusations of theft. First...the letter did not reach her. I sent it to the wrong address (7402 instead of 7502). Of course, anyone who knows my paperwork demon understands that this kind of thing is to be expected in my life. Since the letter didn't arrive as it should have...Dad had a moment of suspicion and believed I had not sent the letter - and worse...maybe was guilty of what I was accused. Next, I corrected the address and re-mailed the letter. Mom did receive it because I sent it registered mail. Mom tells Dad she is NOT coming to Thanksgiving at the ranch. My brother calls Joyce (Dad's office manager and personal assistant) and tells her that he and Lauren will not be attending Thanksgiving because Mom will not be there. (I knew this was going to happen). Dad was beside himself with grief...he had built up some unrealistic family reconciliation. Finally, I received a response to my letter, yesterday. In a nutshell...Mom does not believe my innocence, claims that I paid for the cruise tickets in 2008 with money stolen from my Dad (because there was a problem with mine and Dad's credit cards around that time and she told me to give back the cruise tickets[which weren't purchased through dad's card] and I refused). OMG!!!! Oh My God!!!!
So, Dad, Tim, Eve, and I have decided that we are going to have a wonderful Thanksgiving with no mention of THOSE people. Enough is Enough!!!!! I have decided that a relationship with my Mother is not all that wonderful. I spent 15 years with not one word from her. During that time, I idealized what our relationship used to be like and how nice it would be to have that again...I am perfectly content to go back to missing her, and remember only the good times. I don't like how she makes me feel. I like me, and many people like me. I refuse to allow her to make me think there's good reason they shouldn't.
I intent to love my brother from a healthy distance...This isn't the first time he has said something horrible about me to ingratiate himself into Mom's life again. They are perfect suited to one another. I don't wish to participate.
I am fortunate to have my Dad and will cherish whatever time there is left for us. He genuinely loves me and even likes me. I feel the same about him.
As for my REAL family...their last name is Tate, Scott, Mann, Spaniel, Wilcox, Sutton, Sheffer, and any other I have forgotten. These are the people who love me unconditionally and treat me like an interesting person and not a person of interest. I love you all, those of you who read this, and those who may hear it from the grapevine. I am grateful, thankful, and so honored to be part of this family!!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A little time..I hear it has healing properties.
So...a week has gone by since Chris' temper tantrum. There is still no word from him, or even about him. I am okay, though. It is amazing that even the anger has dissipated. I am just over it, and waiting for the reconciliation.
Speaking of reconciliations...on Tuesday (when the pain of my son's actions are still fresh), my Dad calls to let me in on why my mother decided to stop speaking to me last year. WOW...first and foremost...WOW. Well, apparently my mother was given information about me that she is believing as, "God's truth". This information could have only come from my brother and it is in regard to activities at Texas MEP where I, Eve, and my brother worked in 2008-2010. So, here's the newest list of things I have done....
I stole "$2500.00 or more" from Texas MEP...I stole $1600.00" from my Dad, and I have stolen some undisclosed sum of money from my mother. WELL SHIT...first...I didn't steal anything from anyone, second...If I had stolen $2500.00 or more wouldn't I have been arrested? If I had stolen that much money from my father...does anyone think he would be speaking to me (We all know that he stops speaking over bad grades), and if I had stolen money from my mother...why on earth would she refuse to disclose an amount?
If the problem with Chris wasn't enough...this added fuel to my fires of regret and guilt. Always the scapegoat, always the reason my family is miserable, and forever paying for the sins of my past. At least that's how I felt for about 10 minutes. Then I remembered...I paid my debt, I strive to be the best person I can be...I have made amends. Finally, I am worth loving, I am strong, victorious, brave, and most of all...I deserve to be treated like a person and not like a suspect.
To appease my father, I sent my mother a letter with my letters of recommendation from a company I supposedly stole from, enclosed. However, Thanksgiving will be interesting, and I hope it doesn't turn into a fiasco I should have simply avoided. Eve and I laugh about it, and say that we should just make the day trip to Bossier and spend the day with people we love, and who love us without condition or exception.
Will keep you posted on how Turkey Day turns out....If nothing else, this wake up call was for me. It was an opportunity to remind me that I am somebody worth loving. It's amazing how far from that concept the last few years of constant scrutiny and recrimination has done to undo what Pat, Kathy, Tricha and Eve taught me so many years ago...I am loved beyond measure for being myself...even with all my faults and frailties intact.
Speaking of reconciliations...on Tuesday (when the pain of my son's actions are still fresh), my Dad calls to let me in on why my mother decided to stop speaking to me last year. WOW...first and foremost...WOW. Well, apparently my mother was given information about me that she is believing as, "God's truth". This information could have only come from my brother and it is in regard to activities at Texas MEP where I, Eve, and my brother worked in 2008-2010. So, here's the newest list of things I have done....
I stole "$2500.00 or more" from Texas MEP...I stole $1600.00" from my Dad, and I have stolen some undisclosed sum of money from my mother. WELL SHIT...first...I didn't steal anything from anyone, second...If I had stolen $2500.00 or more wouldn't I have been arrested? If I had stolen that much money from my father...does anyone think he would be speaking to me (We all know that he stops speaking over bad grades), and if I had stolen money from my mother...why on earth would she refuse to disclose an amount?
If the problem with Chris wasn't enough...this added fuel to my fires of regret and guilt. Always the scapegoat, always the reason my family is miserable, and forever paying for the sins of my past. At least that's how I felt for about 10 minutes. Then I remembered...I paid my debt, I strive to be the best person I can be...I have made amends. Finally, I am worth loving, I am strong, victorious, brave, and most of all...I deserve to be treated like a person and not like a suspect.
To appease my father, I sent my mother a letter with my letters of recommendation from a company I supposedly stole from, enclosed. However, Thanksgiving will be interesting, and I hope it doesn't turn into a fiasco I should have simply avoided. Eve and I laugh about it, and say that we should just make the day trip to Bossier and spend the day with people we love, and who love us without condition or exception.
Will keep you posted on how Turkey Day turns out....If nothing else, this wake up call was for me. It was an opportunity to remind me that I am somebody worth loving. It's amazing how far from that concept the last few years of constant scrutiny and recrimination has done to undo what Pat, Kathy, Tricha and Eve taught me so many years ago...I am loved beyond measure for being myself...even with all my faults and frailties intact.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
A Whole lot of Pain
The last day and a half have been very painful for me. I must look at the situation as a wake up call, and a reminder about how far I have come in my life. There have been times when I forget, when I choose to overlook the accomplishments, and when I measure what I have on what I think I deserve.
Unfortunately, Christopher decided the best place to air his anger and spew his venom is on a public forum - FaceBook. Chris decided it was his right to post about my prison interment and his loss of a mother for all those years right there on his page for the whole world to see. I am not worried about his friends, or my friends and family...I am livid that now, my co-workers, and colleagues in school, and friends who do not know about my past have opportunity to judge me based on a past they know nothing about.
Still, as angry as I am...I did what I did...I did spend 8 years in prison...I did leave my child (not to fend for himself, though - he was left with someone I trusted and cared for). It was not Chris' right to post that, but neither was it his choice those many years ago.
Here's the thing...rather than be proud of how far he and I have come since that time; rather than cherish the relationship we have been able to build in the 8 years since I have been home; rather than appreciate that he had a wife who loved me anyway...came to visit me in prison...let me care for the kids; rather than be thankful that I kept my life on hold, tied up our money, and risked everything to ensure his well-being all the years; Chris decides to wallow in the loss of his adolescence.
When I came home from prison, we worked through the time-line as though nothing had changed. Chris acted 14 - I treated him like he was 14. He got video games, and a place to stay...he got my full attention (even when that attention was a disservice to Eve), Chris got my advice, my chastisement, my support, and my undying devotion as a good mother. Our relationship mimicked that of a kid growing up and mother learning to accept her child's independence. It was a hard row to hoe, but I thought we had done it.
I know how angry my son is - and has a right to be. I have begged him to yell, scream, tell me how much he hated me for leaving. I have begged him to see a counselor. Nope...he's not ready. When he split from Kristi, I think he lost himself and the image of family. Every step has been in the direction of replacing what he threw away.
The most difficult part of this rift is the knowing that it is the final step for his adulthood. For some, the baby goes away to college, for others they simply watch their child walk down the aisle to a new and separate life...for me and Chris this is the necessary step for him to experience what it is to CHOOSE to leave home and live it on his own terms. I can accept that. I may not like how it feels, but at least, I can recognize it for what it is.
As for how he has treated Eve, as for "outing" me on FaceBook...Eve says she will never forgive him. I know she will. She has been a part of his life since he was 18 years old - he's almost 31 now. It will be a long time, though - I know that.
I sit here and think about how much this is part of the plan, but I cannot stop the tears streaming down my cheeks and the hole in my heart that hurts so bad, I am unsure of where to put the pain. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But, this too, shall pass...it always does.
Unfortunately, Christopher decided the best place to air his anger and spew his venom is on a public forum - FaceBook. Chris decided it was his right to post about my prison interment and his loss of a mother for all those years right there on his page for the whole world to see. I am not worried about his friends, or my friends and family...I am livid that now, my co-workers, and colleagues in school, and friends who do not know about my past have opportunity to judge me based on a past they know nothing about.
Still, as angry as I am...I did what I did...I did spend 8 years in prison...I did leave my child (not to fend for himself, though - he was left with someone I trusted and cared for). It was not Chris' right to post that, but neither was it his choice those many years ago.
Here's the thing...rather than be proud of how far he and I have come since that time; rather than cherish the relationship we have been able to build in the 8 years since I have been home; rather than appreciate that he had a wife who loved me anyway...came to visit me in prison...let me care for the kids; rather than be thankful that I kept my life on hold, tied up our money, and risked everything to ensure his well-being all the years; Chris decides to wallow in the loss of his adolescence.
When I came home from prison, we worked through the time-line as though nothing had changed. Chris acted 14 - I treated him like he was 14. He got video games, and a place to stay...he got my full attention (even when that attention was a disservice to Eve), Chris got my advice, my chastisement, my support, and my undying devotion as a good mother. Our relationship mimicked that of a kid growing up and mother learning to accept her child's independence. It was a hard row to hoe, but I thought we had done it.
I know how angry my son is - and has a right to be. I have begged him to yell, scream, tell me how much he hated me for leaving. I have begged him to see a counselor. Nope...he's not ready. When he split from Kristi, I think he lost himself and the image of family. Every step has been in the direction of replacing what he threw away.
The most difficult part of this rift is the knowing that it is the final step for his adulthood. For some, the baby goes away to college, for others they simply watch their child walk down the aisle to a new and separate life...for me and Chris this is the necessary step for him to experience what it is to CHOOSE to leave home and live it on his own terms. I can accept that. I may not like how it feels, but at least, I can recognize it for what it is.
As for how he has treated Eve, as for "outing" me on FaceBook...Eve says she will never forgive him. I know she will. She has been a part of his life since he was 18 years old - he's almost 31 now. It will be a long time, though - I know that.
I sit here and think about how much this is part of the plan, but I cannot stop the tears streaming down my cheeks and the hole in my heart that hurts so bad, I am unsure of where to put the pain. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But, this too, shall pass...it always does.
